Last week, Iowa head coach Kirk Ferentz announced he would not be making any changes to his coaching staff, meaning his failson Brian Ferentz would remain firmly entrenched as the worst offensive coordinator in Power Five. The school made the nepotism official today, announcing a new contract for Brian with incentives based on the outcomes of the 2023 season.

Brian Ferentz will take a reduced salary for the upcoming year, but if the team averages 25 points per game and achieves seven wins, he will automatically be extended for the 2024 season and have his previous salary restored, along with bonuses. These benchmarks should be easy to clear: the points per game stipulation includes all points, not just those scored by his anemic offense, and Iowa hasn’t finished a full season without seven wins since 2012. 

While 25 points per game would be a huge improvement for the Hawkeyes – Ferentz’s outfit averaged 17.7 last season – it is still a measly total, as 85 out of 131 FBS teams managed to average that number in the 2022 campaign. 

So finishing 85th gets you a nice raise and an extension? Nice! Let’s take a look at some of the other 85th-best things. 

85th-ranked men’s tennis player: Ugo Humbert. 

Ugo Humbert is the 85th-best tennis player in the world, and if you have heard of him, you’re lying. He’s 24 years old and from France. If I showed you a picture of Ugo Humbert and asked you to guess his line of work, you would say “professional Tik Tok prankster.” 

85th song on the Billboard Hot 100 right now: “Gato de Noche” by Nengo Flow and Bad Bunny. 

If Brian Ferentz has heard one Bad Bunny song, I will personally buy him an ice cream treat. “Gato de Noche” is Spanish for “incomplete pass on third-and-12.” 

85th all-time NBA scorer: Shawn Marion.

Absolutely perfect that Iowa football’s benchmark is an NBA player who is best known for being a “3 and D” guy.

85th best ranked soda: N/A.

I searched on the internet for about three minutes to try to find the 85th most popular soft drink. The longest list I could find went 70, and that included offerings like “Dublin Dr. Pepper” and “Sioux City Sarsaparilla.” I have never heard of either of these beverages, but if you told me they were D3 schools that could outscore Iowa, I would probably believe it. Also, the 68th-best soda according to this list is “DEW-S-A,” a performatively patriotic blend of Mountain Dew’s Code Red, White Out, and Blue Voltage flavors. If I have to know about the existence of this horrifying concoction, so do you. 

85th movie on the 2022 domestic box office chart: “Three Thousand Years of Longing.” 

I didn’t see it. Did you? It is a romantic fantasy film by the incomparable George Miller, not a documentary about how Iowa fans feel about the last time they watched a competent passing attack. 

85th best batter of the 2022 MLB season: Corey Seager

Texas Rangers shortstop Corey Seager batted .245 last season, good for 85th in the sport. I dunno, he’s a just fine ballplayer, I guess. But if you’re Kirk Ferentz and you are risking your legacy for your abject failure of a nepotism project, don’t you want results better than just fine?