What a seismic weekend in college football. I’m writing this on Sunday afternoon, and already two coaches and a coordinator have been fired. A couple of ranked teams lost, and some conference championship game spots were clinched. A few stars put up some wicked statistical box scores.
For all those achievements, someone had to be on the wrong end. A handful of those guys are some of the most lauded and well-compensated coaches in the sport. We celebrate all those who did well, but it’s also fair to focus on those who had a dreadful weekend. Presenting Week 11 Why Your College Football Weekend Sucked, Name Brand Coaches Edition.
Your college football weekend sucked if….
…if you are a Nebraska quarterback.
Three different players took snaps for the Huskers yesterday in a 13-10 home loss to Maryland. The combined results? 10-of-21 passing for 86 yards and a staggering four interceptions. I guess there was a good reason this school didn’t even try to throw the ball for 30 years.
…if you are James Franklin.
The college football world was united at the start of the Michigan and Penn State game, ready to unleash a flood of Jim Harbaugh and Connor Stalions jokes. Harbaugh was suspended and sitting, I dunno, in an IHOP or something in Happy Valley, watching the game on a tube TV in the corner while drinking some milk. Stalions was fired, back home with his broken vacuum cleaners and mean neighbors. Everyone was ready to pillory the Wolverines, and James Franklin’s team again went out and laid a stinker on offense. Now all eyes are on you, James.
…if you are Washington linebacker Alphonzo Tuputala.
Oh, Zo. You made a clutch interception and returned it brilliantly all the way to the house. In this case, “the house” that I am referring to is the 2-yard line. In most of these cases of a premature fumblation, the act of dropping the ball happens so close to the goal line that it takes multiple camera angles and high-definition slow motion replay to determine that a touchdown was not scored. This one was blatantly obvious in the field of play. Tuputala was bailed out when his teammates earned a safety on the Utah possession, and his team eventually held on to the win (see what I did there?)
…if you had to play in those ugly gray uniforms yesterday.
Honestly not sure which was worse, Ohio State’s or Oklahoma’s. These guys looked like a silverware drawer while steamrolling overmatched conference opponents. Please don’t ever do that again.
…if you are Oklahoma State.
To be frank, this was a very predictable emotional letdown spot, after the historic Bedlam win. But man, that was an old-fashioned butt-whipping, losing to UCF by a score of 45-3. Big 12 newcomers this year have not won very many games against the conference’s stalwarts, but this was the kind of thrashing that might make OSU forget what league it belongs to. And the Pokes got rained on, too. What a day.
…if you are Lane Kiffin.
Much like James Franklin’s situation earlier in the day, except without all the world-class espionage on the other sideline. Lane Kiffin’s teams continue to get undressed in the biggest games by the biggest programs. Maybe one day he will break through, and then immediately leave for a new job. Just saying.
…if you were the cameraman for Peacock on Maryland’s game-winning field goal.
How does this happen? You have one job! Football broadcasts have developed a sort of language, and this camera work says to the viewer, “a blocked kick, a bad snap — something has gone terribly awry — chaos and madness.” But nah, it was just a garden-variety 24-yard game-winner. Peacock should be held liable for any members of the Terrapin faithful that suffered a heart attack during the kick attempt.
…if you are the NCAA.
The last gasps of this dying organization sure are noisy, aren’t they? Good luck trying to come to a fair and timely decision in this Michigan mess. And now your main corporate partner ESPN is heading to James Madison for “College GameDay,” likely airing a three-hour stump speech explaining why your decision to keep the Dukes out of a bowl is unjust*. Good luck keeping that PR nightmare in check!
(*Which “GameDay” personality is most likely to argue that the NCAA transition rule is Good Actually, and why is it Desmond Howard?*)
…if you are a defensive player on an SEC team.
Well, on half of them at least. Tennessee, Ole Miss, Kentucky, Vanderbilt, Florida, Arkansas and Mississippi State all got embarrassed yesterday on the field. Kentucky made Jalen Milroe look like Cam Newton. Jayden Daniels continued to pad his Heisman statline against a too-slow Florida defense. Tennessee got dominated by Cody Schrader, a former Division II walk-on running back. Arkansas gave up and showed to the world that it just means less. This was not a banner week for competitive football in God’s Own Conference.
…if you are a Texas A&M assistant.
Not Jimbo Fisher, of course; Jimbo has it better than anyone. Jimbo gets to leave these Yosemite Sam boosters and get on with his life, and now $75 million richer. Jimbo’s weekend was awesome!
Nah, but his staff? His staff has stay in College Station and coach out this year while half of the roster enters the portal, and they don’t get to swim in a Scrooge McDuck pile of cash for their troubles. Even worse, they still have to work with Bobby Petrino.
About the author
Born in Washington, DC, and living in New York City, I am the target demographic of the Big Ten's last expansion. I attended the University of Missouri in the Big 12 era, but I love life in the SEC. I am passionate about college football, baseball, board games, Star Wars, the written word, progressive politics, and the perfect slice of pizza.
