This was just the “set-up” week in college football, the calm before the storm. We were moving the chess pieces across the board before the endgame next week. And, of course, still some coaches and programs had to go out and step in it.

Let’s rub it in, shall we?

Your college football weekend sucked….

…if you are Mark Stoops. 

Not great, man. You got this little feud going with Shane Beamer, then you keep letting him beat you. You, a serious adult and a serious football coach, not one who makes videos for Tikky Tokky and calls it recruiting. My man, you run a serious program that has things called “offensive linemen” and does “halftime adjustments” and you keep losing to a coach with a backyard offense who spends his week doing skits? Wait, who am I supposed to be making fun of here? 

…if you are Auburn.

Oh my god Auburn, what was that? The rest of the league gets in a light jog against overmatched foes during SoCon Saturday, but you went and lost to one of the worst college football programs in history. How does that happen? You got DEMOLISHED. Your postgame win expectancy was 0.4%, according to SP+. They ran through your ass like shit through a tin horn, man. I thought Hugh Freeze was going to work miracles with your program, though. Well, I guess he did; turning wine into water is technically a miracle too.

…if you bet over on the Auburn win total.

You gave a Sportsbook a six-month free loan just to lose it like that? All the Tigers had to do was beat New Mexico State and that sweet, sweet over 6.5-win total would cash. Why did anyone believe in this huckster? You thought he would bring joy and prosperity to The Plains. Turns out he might just be Evangelical Butch Jones. He’s just Bible Thumping Chad Morris. Yeah, make all the “but Nick Saban lost to UL-Monroe in 2007” similes you want, as if this is just a bump in the road on the way to six national titles, and not that he’s just Baptist Bryan Harsin. Really, New Mexico State?!! 31-10????!

….if you’re Molly McGrath.

A rookie mistake by the veteran sideline reporter, who angled herself directly into Jeff Brohm’s postgame Gatorade shower. You gotta be better than that, Molly. 

….If you doubted Old Dominion.

A lot of people — myself included — were down on the Monarchs going into this campaign. While the defense had been competent in recent years, the offense cratered last year, and then every meaningful contributor left. The roster looked bare, the quarterback room seemed bleak, and the Sun Belt East is a tough division. It was easy to think this would be one of the worst teams in the Group of Five. Heck, that’s what I thought, you idiot. Old Dominion is one more win away from reaching a bowl in a total reset year, and that would be amazing for head coach Ricky Rahne and his plucky crew. Go out there next week and prove what a dummy I was, Monarchs.

….if you are a Floridian.

It was a tough weekend for Florida Man, no matter which team he roots for. Six of the seven FBS schools in the state lost, and the only one that won was Florida State, which had to see its best player go down for the rest of the season with a gruesome injury. I’m not going to make any jokes about Jordan Travis‘ injury or FSU’s situation; it sucks for that young man and for the sport in general to lose a talent like that shortly before we got a chance to see him on the sport’s biggest stage. No jokes. The rest of y’all are fair game, though. 

The Gators outplayed Missouri on the road for 58 minutes, only to idly stand by on defense while the Tigers scored on a last-second drive. Billy Napier’s crew commits more procedural penalties than any team I’ve seen in a while. I think all those polo shirts on the sideline are paid by the penalty. FIU played so poorly against Arkansas that the Razorbacks program actually just renewed its vows with Sam Pittman. UCF lost because it had a game-tying extra point blocked. Miami lost partly because — you’re gonna want to sit down for this one — Mario Cristobal bungled a late goal-to-go situation. FAU and USF lost, which, yeah, sure. That’s 1-for-7 for the win column, and 0-for-7 in the emotional column.

…if you are a Nebraska fan.

I dunno, maybe you are desensitized to it at this point, but again the Huskers are within striking range of a six-win season and a bowl berth, and again they are blowing it. They have been stuck on five wins since before Halloween. Overtime has turned into a house of horrors for the Huskers, with a level of play that is so atrocious in extra time it has to be almost impressive. In its last seven overtime games, Nebraska has accumulated four total yards on 24 plays, with zero first downs and zero points. And now the Huskers have to endure the Kirk Ferentz experience on Black Friday if  they want to break this oh-for-November streak. Have fun. 

…If you are Jarrod Hufford.

Okay, so last week Eli Drinkwitz confused a lot of white people and baby boomers by telling the world “we stand on business” after the Tigers’ big win over Tennessee. What does that have to do with Iowa State guard Jarrod Hufford? Well, Hufford might have had the least “stand on business” moment in recent years. Hufford talked trash through the media about Texas’ players and culture and toughness; in a word, he fucked around and found out. His little rant might have been true a few years ago, but the Longhorns have some absolute dudes up front now — and all those dudes and their teammates took to Twitter to roast Hufford after holding the Cyclones to nine (9) (nueve) (neun) rushing yards.